Transition to motherhood.

Since my last post (or at least, the phase of life I was in during the posting), a lot has changed in my life. Certain, lasting love happened. Marriage and settling down happened. Grad school happened. Pregnancy happened, and finally, childbirth & motherhood. Definitely enough milestones to change a person's perspective, and, consequently, her writing style.

I admit that all these major life changes have resulted in me having little, if any, time left over to write creatively on a regular basis. And yet, the urge to write - to document my life story through either prose or poetry, especially now when there is so much to write about - tugs at my heart, because at the end of the day, I am and always will be a writer and a poet. There's an incessant need for me to express myself through written word, especially these days when my day job and my daily routine as a wife and mom allows very little room for that.

So I am resurrecting this blog in hopes of giving myself a creative outlet, and giving the ones I love something to remember me by.

True Love Snapshot #4.

How else can I define love other than through that beautiful evening in April?

It was just another night in my spring semester, junior year of college. We were sitting inside your car, which was parked by one of our favorite spots in San Francisco at the end of another one of my long days, talking about everything and nothing and finishing off a late fast food dinner.

Outside, a cool evening breeze was blowing, ruffling the grass on this rocky cliff that sloped gently downwards, just a feet away, into the dark waters of the Bay, whose waves I could faintly hear through your closed windows. Above us, the moon and a sparse scattering of stars peeked through the thin veil of fog.

I was in a particularly good mood that night, despite my exhaustion, happy that the weekly meeting of the Christian organization I had founded on campus – with your help – had gone well and had yielded a good turnout.

"Thanks again so much for coming tonight to play music and help set up," I said, feeling warm gratitude swell up within me. "I couldn't have done it without you."

You glanced up at me briefly and smiled as you stashed the remnants of our dinner into a brown bag. "Of course. I'm always here to help."

Yes, you were. I knew that very well. I knew that you, my best friend, would jump up and help anyone who needed it, especially me. It was your relentless "helpfulness" that got me into the predicament I was in…you always driving to pick me up late at night from theatre rehearsals and college parties and to take me to interviews for the articles I wrote…you always picking up the phone or coming over to my apartment whenever I needed to talk to someone because I was homesick or having a bad day…you praying with me, singing with me, laughing with me, just being there.

We had been best friends for almost a year now, since I moved to the Bay. But over the past few months, after our countless drives around the city and late-night dinners and sometimes random, sometimes profound conversations, somewhere in between all of that, I had fallen in love with you.

I smiled back, popped my last French fry into my mouth and looked over at you, wondering if you had any idea at all that up until a few days before, I had been fighting those feelings off as hard as I could, not wanting to change or threaten a genuinely good friendship with these stupid emotions.

But then you had danced with me at that birthday dinner-dance we had attended. Slow-danced, of all things! I let my mind replay that moment when you walked over to where I was standing, goofing around with my friends, took my hand and led me to the dance floor, choosing to ignore all the hooting and teasing of our friends (who thought they knew better than to think we were really still just best friends) all around us. It was then when I threw caution to the wind and allowed my heart to hope…

"Hello? Are you okay?" Your voice snapped me back to reality. You were trying not to laugh because I had spaced out again.

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm just really tired."

You gave me this pensive look, as though you were studying my face, a half-smile on your lips. Lately, you'd been doing that more and more often, and it made me uncomfortable, because I felt like you could read my thoughts and find out my secret.

"What?" I asked, almost defensively.

"Nothing," you answered. "I'm just thinking…and I'm also really tired, actually. Can I rest a bit before I drive you home?"

"Sure," I said, moving closer to you and offering my shoulder so that you could lean on it and take a quick nap.

But, to my surprise, instead of just resting your head on my side, you turned around completely and reclined against me, your head nestling just under my chin. Then you reached for my hands and pulled my arms around you, nestling them on your belly.

(TO BE CONTINUED!)

Not quite just friends.

*written March 2008.

You shared a moment with me.

You whispered in my ear.

You told me all the words

That women like me long to hear.

But what's wrong with this picture

If you viewed it from afar

Is that it's only shared by friends,
And that is all we are.

I would like to move closer

But I'm scared of what I'd find

That maybe this affection

Is only in my mind.

For if I fall in love with you

Should you choose not to catch me

This fragile heart would surely break

And would not mend so quickly.

So maybe for a moment

To avoid this friendship's end

We might as well steer clear of love

And just remain good friends.

Rollercoaster.

*written April 27, 2005


You held my hand and took me on a rollercoaster ride
I didn't want to go at first; I felt so scared inside.
But once we were inside the car, you held me close and tight,
And so I thought that I'd be safe, with you I'd be all right.


The ride was calm and smooth at first. The wind blew in my hair.
The loops loomed in the distance, but I simply didn't care.
I closed my eyes and leaned on you and everything was fine.
The car had gently picked up speed, rolled up a steep incline.


And all at once you took me up to a dizzying height.
My heart was pounding in my chest, my head felt very light.
Thrill and joy pervaded me; you sealed it with a kiss.
I looked at all the world below, my heart so full of bliss.


Then suddenly the car lurched and went quickly plunging down.
I reach for you and suddenly you're nowhere to be found.
You didn't seem to hear me when your name I tried to call,
So I just went crashing down, and no one broke my fall.


Hurt, I wanted to get out. I wanted it to end,
But then I turned around, and you were in the car again.
You asked me to hold on and give the ride just one more try,
And so again, together, we rode up into the sky.


Round and round the loops, up and the down the slopes so steep
I felt both fear and thrill, and many times a pain so deep.
One second you'd be next to me, the next you'd just be gone
I tried to stop the car, but it kept going on and on...


Our love is like a rollercoaster, as I look behind.
The endless circles we've been through have left me hurt and blind.
Unless you let me out the door and end this crazy game,
I'll always ride this rollercoaster into love and pain.

Walking away.

*written January 1, 2006

I woke up this morning to the sound of rain

And felt from within me a deep crushing pain

As I then recalled what you said yesterday

That everything’s over, we must walk away.

I thought of the reasons we had to let go

That we need to part ways before we can grow

That life would be better on our own separate ways

When everything’s over and we’ve walked away.

I thought of the moments I’d spent by your side

The dreams of me someday becoming your bride

Have faded to nothing, have all gone astray

‘Cause everything’s over and you’ve walked away.

I thought of the future I’d face on my own

The long lonely nights I would spend all alone

So maybe I should have just asked you to stay

But everything’s over, and you’ve walked away.

I woke up this morning, and one thing I knew

And that’s just how deeply I’m in love with you

And that I am hoping you’ll come back someday

For now it’s all over…I must walk away.

Ten Days

written January 24, 2005

It started on a Friday, on a starlit Christmas Eve

You came and told me something that my ears could not believe.

You told me that you cared for me; you made my wish come true.

And happily I told you that I felt the same way too.

Christmas Day was perfect, my happiest so far.

You took my hand and held me close as we walked neath the stars,

You whispered sweet words in my ear and kissed me in the night.

We shared a perfect love and all the world just felt so right.

When Sunday came along I felt like walking on the clouds

We were so in love and of that fact we were so proud.

And everyone could see that we were now more than just friends,

Things kept getting better; I thought it couldn't end.

Monday was still special; I spent my whole day with you.

On Tuesday, both our families and all our good friends knew,

We drove around in your car in the dark and pouring rain,

Decided to commit; the feelings couldn't be contained.

But then on Wednesday, doubts and questions started creeping in,

We felt that things had gone too fast, and too soon to begin

We talked it over and you said that we should take things slow

There's still so much about each other that we didn't know.

Thursday...things had gotten strange. We seemed to drift apart.

Not hearing from you all day long put worry in my heart

And Friday rolled around; we shared the last day of the year.

And spending New Year's Eve with you somehow calmed my fear.

But New Year's Day was different; we did not talk at all.

You totally ignored me and did not return my calls.

Sick with hurt and worry, I then called you Sunday night,

You didn't understand me and it ended in a fight.

And that concludes the story; it was not the same again.

Until today I wonder 'bout just how and why and when

The love was lost so suddenly, it faded in the rain.

You simply have moved on and I am left with all the pain.

How could you fall in love and lose the feeling in 10 days?

While in my heart, it seems as though the feeling's here to stay.

And even as I try to heal and start to let you go,

Those were still the happiest ten days I'll ever know.

<3

written January 16, 2005

There I was, happy though alone

Simply existing,

Both feet on the ground,

I was content.

My heart was closed off

Under lock and key

Then you came along

You had the key

Opened the door

And suddenly my heart was free

To soar once more.

You pulled me up

And instantly

I was soaring on the wind

Flying high without a thought

Of ever falling.

You took my hand

And we glided carefree through open skies.

The wind in my face

And the sun in my eyes.

Then one day

Without warning

You simply disappeared

You let go of my hand

And I started to fall.

I looked around and called your name

Frightened and alone

I heard your voice

Somewhere behind the clouds

But you were nowhere to be found.

And so I kept falling

I crashed to the ground

I tried to scream

But it made no sound.

And so I lie here

Broken and wounded

I try to get up

But I simply can’t.

The wounds are deep

And may not heal

For quite some time.

I see you in the distance

But you can’t see me

And soon you will find

Someone else to fly with.

Now my heart asks

To be locked up again

The chain is there

But I lost the key.

And suddenly I remember

As I lie here alone

You took the key with you.

And all I can do

Is wait painfully here

For the wounds to heal

So that I can stand on my feet

And be happy again, though alone

To simply exist

And forget I ever flew with you.